Protect Your Smallholding

This article first appeared in Country Smallholding, March 2003

Protect Your Smallholding

by

R.I.Chalmers

How would you react to being the victim of crime? You would feel anything from mild annoyance to utter devastation. Having worked hard to achieve a lifestyle you love, you are unlikely to forgive those who trespass against it. Yet you may be inadvertently making your property an easy target by ignoring common-sense principles of security.

Smallholders, farmers and landowners are waking up to the fact that the urban blight of crime is fast seeping out of the towns and cities to infect the countryside. The clarion call to action is often sounded only when something goes missing. Only then do victims begin to appreciate that anything of value needs protection.

Thankfully there are sensible and inexpensive ways that you can improve your security and keep the criminal at bay. The first thing you need to do is to know your enemy. Think of the two common types of criminal as the fox and the magpie. Both will steal if given the chance, but the fox is the professional and the magpie the opportunist.

The fox normally has a buyer in mind, or even an order, before he commits his crime. He’ll normally arrive with the necessary tools, and will probably have established that you have what he wants some days beforehand. His timing will be impeccable, and if disturbed he will have a plausible reason for being there. The best protection against the fox is vigilance and common sense.

The magpie is responsible for the majority of crimes against smallholders. He is the opportunist, driven out of the towns by the growing number of CCTV systems to seek safety in the countryside. He is motivated by the need for quick and easy money, often to support his drugs habit. A drug abuser needs money to support his habit and he is not too fussy about where that money comes from or how he gets it. His only thought is to avoid capture. In prison the only thing on the menu is the nightmare of cold turkey.

He will often be found skulking around a property, soon able to establish whether there is anyone home. All too often people make it obvious that a house is unoccupied. A newspaper poking out of the letter box, a well-used driveway empty of cars with the driveway gates open, lightless windows staring blankly out into the darkness of night.

A high percentage of crimes against smallholdings happen under the shield of darkness, but even the fox knows better than to stick around once caught in the glare of security lights. If you’re away from the house time switches are your best defence. Set lights to come on automatically, yet randomly, when you are out of the house for any time. Passive infrared sensors attached to external lights not only help security, but they also help you find your own way around in the dark.

Consider your boundary defences. The more obstacles you put in the way of the criminal, the more likely he is to go away and find an easier target. But remember that your garden can help both your security and the criminal. If windows and doors are hidden from the road by hedges, bushes and trees, then a burglar will be too. Trim down your hedges and trim up your trees to take away the cover. Let passers by, including the occasional police patrol, see if anything is amiss. Consider thorny bushes beneath windows. A burglar will think twice about trying to get through a window if his legs are going to be shredded in the process.

For the rural criminal a vehicle is a necessary part of the tool kit. Our fox will have been in the area some days before a crime. Make a habit of noting down the number plates of any unfamiliar vehicles and you might secure a valuable clue for the police. Rural police patrols tend to pay special attention to any vans that they find in the lanes. You should, too.

You could really help the magpie by giving him your own car. The easiest way to do this is to leave the keys on the kitchen table or hanging up on those little hooks by the back door. They’ll attract him as surely as any bright, shiny object. The number of vehicles that get stolen during burglaries is remarkably high thanks to this kindness on the part of the householder. By the time the stolen car is reported stolen it will be miles away, or already “torched” and destroyed, along with any evidence.

And it’s not just the car keys that will attract the magpie. House keys, too, are often the victim’s undoing. Common sense tells you that it’s important to make it as difficult as possible for a burglar to get into a house. What fewer people appreciate is that it’s just as important to make it as difficult as possible to get out again.

In a staggering 20 percent of burglaries the burglar enters a property through an unlocked door or window. Once inside the burglar often has no trouble at all getting back out. Having struggled to squeeze through a small window he can simply walk out through a door that has a key in the lock, “in case there’s a fire.” Or he might have found the keys lying around inside the house, or used the simple latch lock that had been lazily pulled to behind the busy householder.

If he has to squeeze out through the small window he squeezed in through he will have difficulty taking anything other than the smallest of items. Your television, stereo, and video will be safe. If you had the foresight to install a small, fireproof safe then your bank books, bank cards, personal papers, jewellery and other high value small items will also be safe.

So think about where you leave the spare keys, not just to your car, but to your house, outbuildings and machinery. Even the most expensive lock is useless if the thief has access to the key.

The Home Office advises you to fit five- lever mortice locks kitemarked to at least BS3621 on both front and back doors. Ideally bolts will also be fitted to the top and bottom of the doors with good, strong screws and fastenings. An automatic deadlock that can be locked from the outside should be added to front doors. Your ground floor windows and your doors are the weakest points of your security. Make them that much stronger by fitting laminated glass and key-operated window locks.

Dogs and alarms also have a great deterrent effect, though circumstances and type can be important. The bark of a dog or the clamour of an alarm activation are sure to drive away all but the most determined burglar if there is someone around who might hear it. But if your property is out of the sight and hearing of your nearest neighbour, unless the alarm system is one of the more expensive monitored types then it won’t be as effective as you might hope. Your dog might not be quite as ferocious with a steak or biscuit in front of its nose, either. Plenty of pedigree ‘guard dogs’ get stolen during burglaries.

The police do recover a lot of stolen property. Unfortunately, they are often unable to prove that is is stolen and are often unable to return recovered property to its rightful owner. For this reason the police advise everyone to mark their property. Marking property has three benefits. It makes it more difficult for the criminal to find a buyer. It allows the police to trace the owner, and it makes it more likely that a prosecution will follow an arrest, as a successful prosecution needs both a victim and an offender.

Mark property in both an obvious and not so obvious manner. Even if the criminal manages to remove the obvious marks, he may well miss the hidden ones. Large items such as trailers can have a postcode or other mark welded onto them. Metal items can have permanent marks scribed or punched into them. Property can be engraved or have electronic tags fitted, while small items can be marked with ultraviolet pens or paint. Keep a detailed inventory of your property, including records of serial numbers, part numbers and model numbers, and a photograph of each valuable item and the chances of getting your property back increases dramatically.

If you find yourself the victim of a crime, no matter how trivial it might seem, report the matter to the police. The police may not manage to solve every crime, but they can do nothing to combat crime if they do not know it is happening. What seems trivial to you might just be the final vital piece of an ongoing jigsaw puzzle.

You can help yourself, the police and your community by remaining vigilant. Look out for your neighbour’s property as well as your own. A good way to do this is to join an existing Rural, Farm or Country Watch scheme, or start one of your own. By maintaining vigilance you can also have a positive impact on other quality of life issues such as fly-tipping, abandoned cars and general trespass.

But all is not doom and gloom. As they say on Crimewatch, it is the fear of crime that is greater than the actual threat. The British Crime Survey clearly shows that people living in rural areas are far less likely to become the victims of crime than their urban neighbours. Take sensible precautions and the only foxes and magpies you need to worry about are the ones that were enjoying the countryside long before people came along.

© R.I.Chalmers 2003

Posted under Clips, Lifestyle, Society, Writing

The Law and Dog Ownership

This article first appeared in Dogs Today, April 2003

Law and Order

When your dog’s life and your own freedom are at stake, it’s time to wise up to the law

Were you given any information about the law when you first took on the responsibilities of dog ownership? When I got my first dog, 15 years ago, I had no idea how our newest family member could get me in trouble with the law. Luckily she proved loyal and obedient, and the first insight into the legal aspects of dog ownership was when I became a constable four years later.

They say that ignorance is bliss, but try telling that to a magistrate and you’ll soon be told that ignorance is no defence in law. However, my new role showed me that many dog owners remain ignorant of key legislation until their beloved pets’ actions bring them into conflict with the law. The best time to learn the law is not when a constable knocks on the front door. When you’re facing the very real possibility of an unlimited fine, up to two years’ imprisonment and the destruction of a beloved family member, it’s already too late.

So what exactly constitutes a dangerous dog? Surely not little Spot, playfully chewing on a rubber bone in the front room? Don’t bet on it. Most people’s understanding of a dangerous dog is the American Pit Bull, or one of the other three dogs specifically named in the Dangerous Dogs’ Act 1991. Though the Japanese Tosa, the Dogo Argentinos and the Fila Brazilieros are specifically deemed to be dangerous, you might be surprised to know that the law says that your own dog, regardless of breed, “shall be regarded as dangerously out of control on any occasion on which there are grounds for reasonable apprehension that it will injure any person, whether or not it actually does so.”

Your dog may only pose a danger to spiders and unwary slippers, but every dog comes with a complete range of canine instincts and behaviours. In 1999, a typical year for complaints, 730 owners found this out to their cost and were prosecuted under the 1991 Act. From this number, 406 were convicted and 200 received cautions.

The dog’s behaviour must be in a public place or in a place “which is not a public place but where it [the dog] is not permitted to be.” A public place is defined as “any street, road or other place (whether or not enclosed) to which the public have, or are permitted to have, access whether for payment or otherwise, and includes the common parts of a building containing two or more separate dwellings.” Even the inside of a car parked on a street has been deemed a public place.

Sometimes you can find yourself in a distressing situation even when you’ve taken all possible precautions, as the owner of a young German Shepherd learnt when the dog bit two boys in her absence. One of the boys was badly injured and required a lengthy stay in hospital. The dog involved was of previously good character and the boys had regularly played with him in the garden with the owner’s permission. They had been warned not to enter the garden when the owner was not present, but they did so on this occasion, climbing over two locked gate to do so. By their own admission, the boys began to tease the dog. When one of the boys took a toy from the dog, he attacked them both, snapping and snarling, and forcing the injured boys to flee.

As the investigating officer, I looked first at the Dogs’ Act 1871. This Act has served Britain well for more than a hundred years and is still widely used. This Act gave rise to the saying that “every dog has two bites”. This popular misconception arose because magistrate often impose an order to control the dog under this Act. They do not always do so, however, and they do have the power to destroy a dog in the first instance.
Though the dog had obviously been dangerous at the time he bit the boys, he had been confined to a rear garden, the access to which was by two locked gates. As the owners had clearly done everything possible to ensure that the dog was under proper control, no action was possible under the 1871 Act.

Had the dog not been kept under proper control, the magistrates would have had the power to order that the animal be kept under proper control by muzzling, keeping him on a lead, or excluding him from specific places. They could also have ordered that, as a male, the dog should be neutered. In view of the boys’ injuries, they would probably have ordered that the dog be destroyed.

I then looked at the Dangerous Dogs’ Act 1991. This Act was rushed through parliament in response to a series of high-profile dog attacks, the most notable of these being the attack by an American Pit Bull Terrier on six¬-year-old Rucksana Khan in Bradford. Once again, because the dog had not injured the child in a public place, he had not committed an offence, even though he would have committed an aggravated offence under this Act.

Many dogs seem to have something against police officers, and I’ve been bitten more than once when making enquiries. Thus, it was with some trepidation that I examined the dog. Thankfully, he showed himself to be good-natured, with no signs of aggression. As I could find no offences that he had committed, I submitted a report recommending that no further action be taken. This was immediately overruled by my supervisors, who had obviously based their opinion not on the legislation, but on their emotional response to the child’s injuries.

Fortunately, after much debate, the Crown Prosecution Service finally agreed with me and no action was taken against the dog or the owner. Unfortunately, so distressed was the owner by both the incident and the manner of the investigation that she made the heart-rending decision to have the dog destroyed anyway.

A police investigation into an allegation that your dog is dangerous will always be traumatic, even when the allegation is blatantly unfair. You become suddenly aware that the courts have the power to order the execution of a beloved member of the family. You face the possibility of a substantial fine and even a prison sentence. Even if the court only imposes an order to keep the dog under control, you and the person in whose charge the dog was at the time of the incident could well end up with a criminal record.

But just how do you mount a defence against an allegation that someone had “grounds for reasonable apprehension” that your dog was going to injure them? As the legislation means that the burden of proof is reversed, you have to prove that your dog was not dangerous at the time. This can be almost impossible, depending, as it does, only on the allegations of the ‘victim’.

In the case of Beth, a 13-year-old dog that growled and barked at an elderly woman in Aberporth, Wales, in 2001, proving her innocence was somewhat easier than usual. Maxine Turner, Beth’s owner, explained that the woman had complained to the police about Beth on three separate occasions over two years. When the police arrived to investigate the woman’s malicious allegations, Maxine’s nightmare began.

“Beth does bark,” says Maxine. “But everyone knows her. The old woman made a habit of walking past my house with her own dog. Her dog annoys other dogs. It would bark at Beth, and Beth naturally barked back. But Beth couldn’t have bitten her.”

Why? Because Beth had lost most of her teeth years before the alleged incident. When this fact was brought to the court’s attention by Colin Taylor, Maxine’s solicitor, he rightly complained that it was, “the most ridiculous case ever brought before this court”

“What was she going to do — lick her to death?” asked Maxine.

The case would be laughable if it was not so upsetting for both Beth and Maxine. “My solicitor told me that if Beth was found guilty, then an order would be made for her to be destroyed. I had to live with this worry for months. The police said that, as a complaint had been made, they had no choice but to take me and Beth to court”

Police funding is partly based on crime figures. Because of this, there is little incentive for the police to use common sense if there is an easy opportunity to boost their performance statistics. Better-performing forces are given the most funding by the government, and it is in the interests of the force to detect as many crimes as possible.

So what can you do to avoid being turned into a criminal by the unforeseen actions of your best friend?

 

  • Most importantly, understand that all dogs are capable of behaving in a manner that would fall within the definition of dangerous.
  • Make sure that there are adequate signs alerting people to the presence of the dog when it is in your garden, regardless of whether you have any concerns about his behaviour.
  • Make it clear to people where they can and cannot go on your property.
  • Place a post-box at the gate. The 6,450 postal workers who are bitten by dogs each year will at least applaud your efforts.
  • Always supervise your dog when he interacts with children or strangers.
  • When you’re with your dog in a public place, make sure you have full control at all times. If your dog will not immediately respond at a distance to voice commands, keep it on a lead all times when there are other people animals around.
  • Be aware that your dog can be intimidated by groups of strangers and even familiar people. Crowds especially can frighten dogs, so be extra cautious near schools and shops.
  • Don’t leave your dog tied up and unsupervised outside a shop. This will certainly be deemed to be a public place and a court is unlikely to accept that dog was properly under control.
  • Understand your dog and its moods. Look for signs of injury or illness, both of which can make a dog behave in an unpredictable way.
  • Never encourage your dog to chase people or animals
  • Do not let children under 16 walk the dog alone. They will not be in a position to control the animal adequately in a difficult situation. As a dog owner, you can avoid prosecution only if you can prove that you left the dog in the care of a person you believed to be responsible. Where the dog’s owner is under 16 years old, it will be you, as the head the household, who will be prosecuted.

Be aware of the legislation as it affects you and of your responsibilities as a responsible dog owner. Don’t assume that your dog will always behave in a rational and calm manner. Your dog’s life, your good name and even your liberty could well be at stake.

UK Animal Legislation relating to dogs.

Dogs (Protection of Livestock) Act 1953

Under this Act, the owner and the person in charge of a dog will be guilty if he chases or attacks livestock on any agricultural land, or is not on a lead in an enclosed field in which there are sheep. Livestock includes cattle, sheep, goats, swine, horses and poultry. Agricultural land includes all farmland, market gardens, allotments, nursery grounds and orchards.

The Animals Act 1971

This allows the owner of livestock worried by a dog to claim compensation through the civil courts.

The Road Traffic Act 1988

This allows local authorities to designate certain roads where dogs must be kept on a lead at all times. Such roads must have visible signs displayed.

The Dogs (Fouling of Land) Act 1996

This states that you must clean up after your dog if it fouls any land that is open to the air and to which the public are entitled or permitted to have access. It does not include land used for agriculture, woodland, marshland, heath or moor, common land, or roadsides where the speed limit is normally above 40 mph. If you fail to clean up after your dog, you may be presented with a fixed penalty notice. It is not a defence to say that you were unaware of your dog’s actions.

The Control of Dogs Order 1992

This says that if a dog is found in a public place without a collar and identification bearing the owner’s name and address, then the owner (or person in charge of the dog) will be guilty of an offence.

© R.I.Chalmers 2003

Posted under Clips, Writing

Curse of the Mummy

First published in the magazine, Invaluable, in 2002

Curse of the Mummy

by
R.I.Chalmers
Around four-and-a-half thousand years ago the great pharaoh, Khufu’s mummified body and a fabulous collection of his most valued possessions were sealed up in the Great Pyramid at Giza. Watching its construction, Khufu must have been satisfied that such a fortress of limestone and granite would keep the grave robbers at bay for all eternity. He could never have foreseen that his tomb would end up ransacked, that his possessions would be lost forever, and that his final resting place would be in a jar in an apothecary’s shop.

Khufu’s fate shows that if the potential rewards are great enough no building can hope to keep the criminal at bay. An ingenious criminal will always find a way in to a building, however secure it may appear to be. Yet Khufu and his treasures might have remained intact if as much thought had gone into keeping the thieves in as out.

Provided that the rewards are likely to justify the effort involved, today’s burglar, like his ancient Egyptian counterpart, will first identify the quickest, easiest and safest route into a building. In a third of burglaries he will get in through a rear window. Windows are often the weakest point in the house, and the back of the house offers the best protection from prying eyes.

His biggest fear is of getting caught. Every second he is in the house he runs the risk of discovery, so his escape route is his lifeline. Provided he can get his head through, the burglar can easily worm his way through any opened window, but with an angry householder snapping at his heels a small transom window will prove his Nemesis. He needs a bigger hole to scurry out of and the most suitable exit will be either the front or the back door.

With most householders now security conscious securing an escape route should be the burglar’s greatest challenge. Millions of pounds of government money has gone into making the public aware of the benefits of good quality locks on doors and windows. The Home Office recommends a five-lever mortice deadlock kitemarked to at least BS3621 on both front and back doors, along with bolts top and bottom fixed with good, strong screws and fastenings. For front doors it also recommends an automatic deadlock that can be locked from the outside. The government literature also recommends fitting laminated glass to windows and doors, and key-operated window locks.

The advice is sound. A burglar is unlikely to risk attracting attention by smashing a large pane of glass. He will be prepared, however, to smash a smaller pane of glass in a window in order to reach through to slip the latch. Window locks provide the window with multiple locking points that prevent the window being prised open or opened from the inside. Mortice locks and deadlocks make formidable obstacles for those without the keys.

Even if the determined burglar does manage to get inside a house where the householder has followed sensible crime-prevention advice he will be faced with the difficult problem of getting back out with anything larger than an ornament or two. Even if he has free run of the house while his courage holds, and can search all the cupboards, cabinets and drawers for items of value, if sensible precautions have been taken small valuables will be hidden away in a floor safe or other secure place. Larger valuables such as electrical items and furnishings are less conveniently hidden away, but however bigheaded the burglar may be he will never persuade a grandfather clock to squeeze through a small kitchen window.

Fortunately for the burglar the bolts on the inside of the door are useless once he is inside, and the best mortice lock is worthless if all he has to do is to turn the key in the lock. And as he passes your state-of-the-art computer system through the window to his mate in the garden he no doubt gives thanks to St Gates, the patron saint of windows, that an unlocked window-lock offers a similar level of security as a paper safe.

Despite government advice, in two out of ten burglaries an unlocked door or window means that the burglar does not even have to use force to get in. More alarming is that once inside, the burglar often has no trouble at all in getting back out by a door or a larger window. All too often the police attend the scene of a burglary to find that the burglar who has struggled to squeeze through a small window has simply walked out through a door. The door will often have a key in the lock, “in case there’s a fire”, or a simple latch lock that was lazily pulled to behind the busy householder. Occasionally the unwitting occupant will have even provided the burglar with a getaway vehicle in the form of a car in the drive and the keys on the kitchen table.

Non of us have the resources to build ourselves a pyramid, nor would we choose to live in the dark, suffocating confines of such a building that perfect security would require. However, all of us can ensure that the burglar leaves with nothing more than a sense of frustration simply by making it as difficult to get out of the house as it was to get inside.

Keys nesting in a basket in the kitchen attract a burglar like nestlings attract a cat, while keys impaled on hooks behind the door prove efficient traitors. Sheath keys in their locks and you stab at the very heart of your home security. Spare keys should be deposited with family or good neighbours, or should be hidden out of harm’s way along with any other small potential pickings.

The Great Pyramid’s six million tons of stone make it the most massive building ever constructed. Its purpose was to protect Khufu and his possessions and it failed. Yet our modest homes, frail in comparison, can far more successfully guard our assets if the right precautions are taken. Allow a burglar access to your house keys and your household security becomes as effective as the medicine made from Khufu’s mummy.

© R.I.Chalmers 2002

Posted under Clips

Don’t Bugger Your Back In The Garden

My article first appeared in The Gardener magazine in 1987

© R.I.Chalmers 1987

Back Chat

Most all of us at some time in our lives will suffer from some sort of back injury. For gardeners, the resulting period of enforced inactivity can be particularly frustrating. Yet almost all back problems are unnecessary and avoidable. Some 26 bones, around one hundred joints and several hundred muscles and ligaments make up your spine. There are 23 discs nestling between the bones. Stronger than the bones they cushion, these discs account for the more serious back problem.

Although degeneration weakens the back as we grow older, most back problems begin between the ages of 20 and 45. Unskilled lifting and bad posture are what can cause the damage, with varying consequences. Muscles become knotted and stiff, ligaments are agonizing when strained, and slipped discs bulge out on to spinal nerves, causing severe pain and disablement.

Gardening can be physically demanding and it is important to tackle tasks such as digging and mowing with skill. It is this skill which protects the Olympic weightlifter’s back and which will protect yours, too.

When lifting, size up the load and get a good, firm hold, keeping the weight close to your body to reduce strain. By far the most important thing is to keep your back straight and use your legs to do the work. ‘Bend ze knees’ as they say on the ski slopes. Old clothing that you don’t mind getting dirty can help here, but avoid tight clothing that will stop you bending your legs.

When you buy gardening equipment, choose the lightest possible equipment that still enables you to do the job properly. A small spade is easier to use than a large one, especially when the spits are first cut at the sides and levered out with the spade. Many light, easily handled electrical tools are now available which reduces the work of the gardener, though traditional tools are excellent if used correctly.

Traditional wheelbarrows put great strain on the back, the single forward wheel making them heavy and unstable. Better balanced and easier to handle are the two-wheeled trolley type, which can be tipped for easier loading and unloading. Good posture is as important as skill and long periods of stooping will strain the back. If you find yourself stooping, kneel using a kneepad for comfort. Similarly, work surfaces in sheds and greenhouses should be positioned so that you can work without stooping or overreaching. Choose tools with work heads that are angled correctly for your height.

Twinges and aches in your back are warnings to take things easier. Don’t ignore them. Do not try to do too much and if help is available, use it. You have plenty of time in the garden but you have only one back. Cultivating the skills of safe lifting and good posture will ensure that you can continue to cultivate your garden.

TIPS FOR BACKACHE PREVENTION

Do gardening in short spells and take frequent rests.

*Tackle a variety of chores which each require a different working position.

Dig and lift with back straight – let the stronger leg muscles take the strain. Heavy weights should not be tackled alone. If help is not at hand, divide into several manageable loads. Arm and leg muscles should take the strain when pulling up trees and shrubs- Crouch with knees bent and legs apart, and pull by straightening the legs, keeping the back straight. Do five minutes of warm-up exercises before gardening. Do not tackle any gardening if you feel cold.

If you suffer from back problems avoid twisting movements such as with a hover mower.

After gardening, sit upright in a straight-backed chair with a cushion or rolled up towel in the small of your back. Rest awhile. If your back does ache, lie flat on the floor with legs supported on a chair so that your knees are at right angles an anti-inflammatory painkiller helps.

Posted under Clips, Health

How To Open Your Own English School In Spain

An article of mine that appeared in Living Spain in 2003

© R.I.Chalmers 2003

The Village School

The location of Salteras is not something that you would have learned in any geography lesson. A small village in the hearth of Andalusia, it stands on the high land to the east of Seville and looks across a hazy plain of scorched fields and olive groves that stretch towards the Sierra Morena. Italica, the birthplace of Trajan and Hadrian, is close by. Both Roman emperors would even now recognise a familiar landscape that suggests that nothing about the place is going to change soon.

But one thing has changed recently among the confusion of narrow streets and whitewashed houses of this traditional pueblo. In July 2001, the village became host to a very English institution, The Village School. Now that a second school has just opened in the adjacent village of Olivares locals might be forgiven for thinking that The Village School will soon be in every pueblo and they will all soon be speaking English.

“Not so,” says Ali Benwell, the feminine half of the brother and sister pair behind The Village School. “I really like being a teacher. It’s fun. The last thing I’d want to be is a manager driving up and down to different schools all day.Âť

Rob, 38, and the younger of the pair by two years, came to Spain in 1991 after completing a course in teaching English as a foreign language (TEFL) in London. After a series of unfulfilling jobs in the UK and a year travelling, Ali decided to take her TEFL course in 1997. A telephone conversation with Rob had convinced her to do the course in Spain rather than in the UK. “Rob said he’d help me out with accommodation,” she recalls. “So I decided on Seville.”Âť

TEFL is an alternative and less complicated way of getting to Spain than opening a bar or a guesthouse. Many of those who take the TEFL route to Spain do so primarily to travel, to spend a year or two learning Spanish, and to experience the culture. Some decide to stay and make TEFL a career. For a few, like Rob and Ali, it becomes the basis for a profitable and rewarding business.

Like Rob, Ali quickly found work with one of the established schools in Seville, but it was not long before she began to share the thoughts of many teachers in Spain. “I think a lot of teachers working for someone else think they could just as easily work for themselves if they only had the setup around them. I was getting a bit bored with teaching in the school where I was working and felt that the time was right to open our own school. Rob and I mulled over the idea for about a year before opening the school in Salteras.”Âť

Finding a suitable property was the biggest problem. ”A lot of the premises we looked at had massive difficulties,” recalls Ali. “Many were on the first floor of buildings and needed lifts putting in. Often the buildings were simply shells without floors or ceilings and the expense was going to be enormous. Because of these problems we kind of dropped the idea.”Âť

As with so many things in life, chance played its part, and in June 2001 Ali made a discovery in her home village of Salteras. “I came up to buy some bread and found the bread shop closed, with a ‘for rent’ notice on it. I asked to see inside the property. As soon as they opened the doors I thought, “Oh yes, I can see it happening here.”Âť

Incredibly, it took just two weeks from finding the property to opening the school. The only work that needed to be done was to divide the one large room up into two classrooms and a reception area. Then came the task of deciding on the look and feel they wanted for the school.

The original sign for the shop was still over the door and Ali liked the bright orange background, feeling that it provided a striking contrast with their chosen lettering. “We chose a blue for the lettering that reflected the Andalusian sky, that really distinctive blue colour that you see when you look straight up.”Âť

She came up with the name of “The Village School” while sitting in a bar with her Dad who was visiting at the time. “We had a list of names like ‘institute’ and ‘centre’ but they all sounded wrong. We wanted something that everyone would understand.”

For legal and financial help with the business they decided to use local people. They found the bank manager very helpful and willing to provide the necessary funding to set up the business. Because there was no need to buy in stock, the initial expenses were not great. The most important thing was to find enough students from the start to provide a salary for both Rob and Ali and for a secretary who they decided was essential.

“The secretary is very important as the children need someone who can deal with their problems and someone who can deal with the parents,” says Ali. “It’s very important that when the students are here that we’re able to concentrate on being teachers.”Âť

The decision quickly paid dividends and the school soon enrolled around 75 students. However, it quickly became apparent that while there was plenty of development going on in the village, with a consequential population growth, there would only ever be a finite number of potential students.

Ali recalls the decision to open the second school in the bigger village of Olivares. “When we opened the school in Salteras we had quite a few students from Olivares. We got to the point this year where we were thinking that if we don’t open up there someone else might.”Âť

Olivares proved to be a far more complicated proposition than Salteras. The most suitable property they could find was on two floors and needed considerable construction work before it could be used. “The upstairs part had nothing in it,” remembers Ali. “It was just bricks, with a concrete floor, bricked-up windows and no ceiling. The owners organised the initial building work, but the last few bits, like getting the suspended ceiling put up, were a nightmare. Rob was up there every afternoon for a week waiting for these guys to come. They kept saying, “We’re on our way,” but they never turned up. The electrician still hasn’t turned up.”Âť

In June 2003 the new school began to enrol students for the new school year. As in Salteras, the courses on offer cover the whole range of student ability and age groups. Students can start as young as 4 years and the school caters for adult and advanced learners too.

Running a village school may be a far cry from running a bar or a guest house but Ali and Rob have had to face the same challenges as anyone else looking to start a new life in the sun. The biggest challenge has been the language. Neither spoke any Spanish before they arrived and they have had to learn quickly. “My Spanish has improved a lot since we opened the school, out of necessity really,” says Ali. She still has a problem knowing at what level to pitch the language. ”I often wonder if I’m being too polite or too formal, especially when I have to deal with parents for the first time.”Âť

The telephone remains the most difficult means of communication as there is none of the immediate feedback that is present in a face-to- face conversation. It is impossible for the other person to see the puzzled look on your face when they say something that you’re unclear about. Maintaining a sense of humour helps, as Ali points out, “Some people’s accents are so strong that you can’t understand a word they say and you resort to smiling and nodding your head. You just hope you’re doing so in the right places, though you could just as easily be smiling happily when you’re being told that their grandmother’s just died.”Âť

Language difficulties apart, neither Rob nor Ali have any regrets about opening the schools. The enthusiasm the students and the local people have shown for the school has impressed them both and ensures that neither have any plans to move back to the UK any time soon.

“The kids really have an enthusiasm for making the place their own. They wave when they pass by and often call in outside of class hours because they feel that they can come in. That’s really nice. I don’t think either me or Rob expected that the kids would be quite as enthusiastic as they are.”Âť

A student who has been with the school from the start is eight-year- old Alejandro Barquan. “I like it because I like it,” he says with the simple yet enthusiastic honesty that seems to sum up why the school has proved so popular.

Ali’s advice to anyone thinking of making the move to Spain is simply, “Just do it! What’s the worst that could happen?” Coming from a teacher who has taken her own advice and turned her dreams into reality it’s a lesson that anyone considering a move to Spain might be well advised to learn.

Posted under Clips

The Inconceivable History of Contraception

A humorous look at the history of contraception that appeared in Mayfair magazine.

INCONCEIVABLE

Man has throughout his carnal history tried to limit the sometime consequences of sex, namely children. Great minds have devoted themselves to the quest for the perfect contraceptive, their ideas ranging from the highly effective to the unbelievably ineffective.

Celibacy is for many an unattractive alternative to sex, and for these the simplest contraceptive is coitus interruptus. Known to the 240-odd trusting teenagers in Britain having first-time sex each night as “withdrawal”, it is the only contraceptive method mentioned in the bible. Chaucer, the 15th century English poet, puts the Church’s interpretation of Genesis 38, verses 8 to 10 succinctly in The Parson’s Tale. He writes that when men “shedeth hire nature in manere or in place there as a child may nat be conceived yet it is homicide,” a view which has caused centuries of soul-searching for Roman Catholics.

Others took a different view. Al-Ghazli, the Arab writer, in his book, “Good Manners Concerning Coitus”, recommends it “for cases of financial hardship.” Nearer our own time the same advice has been given by such radical free thinkers as Francis Place, the 19th century champion of contraception.

Originally in favour of complete withdrawal, Place had a change of heart. “The most convenient and easy, as well as the most effectual method is”, he decided, “for the man at the moment of spending to throw himself on his left side by which motion he not only extricates the part, but gives a slanting direction with respect to the woman, so that being thrown not directly but in a sidelong manner it is perfectly impossible for the womb to receive it.” His children were a fine example of its efficiency – all 15 of them.

For many the willpower required at the crucial moment was sadly lacking. One anonymous author wrote: “How a gentleman could make a practice, at the moment of unutterable ecstasy, of withdrawing from the arena, is more than I can conceive.” One imagines his poor wife found it only too easy.

Closely related to withdrawal and much favoured by the Chinese is the art of coitus reservatus. Believing that if a man refrained from ejaculation he would enjoy a long life, they tried to follow the example of the Yellow Emperor who, “had intercourse with 1200 women and thereby became immortal.” Mastery of the art took great willpower, and suggestions for training included, “Gnash teeth one thousand times”, “pause nine times after a series of nine strokes”, and “pretend the woman is ugly and hateful.”

Woman whose partners had mastered the art enjoyed an incredible sex life. Marie Stopes, founder of “The Society for Constructive Birth Control and Radical Progress”, wrote of “Male Continence” in the 1920′s. “The union is protracted, and the erection, after being active for a length of time varying from twenty minutes to ten hours, naturally subsides before withdrawal.”

John Humphrey Noyes, a great advocate of “Male Continence”, set up a commune based on it in America. Described in 1848 as a “utopia of obscenity” and an “outgrowth of lust”, the Oneida Commune encouraged free sex and wife sharing. Age, however, seems to have robbed Noyes of the skill, if not the energy, for after his 58th birthday he fathered eight children.

Noyes could have turned to the Chinese for help with his problem. For the semen to “return from the Jade Stalk to the brain,” they said, the woman should, “grasp the testicles tightly at the moment of orgasm”, or less painfully she should apply pressure to the base of the scrotum.

Should the unfortunate girl find her lover less than adept at the techniques, she could gain solace from the wisdom of the ancients. Hippocrates, the father of medicine, says, “After coitus if the woman ought not to conceive, she makes it a custom for the semen to fall outside when she wishes this.” Other great physicians showed how. Soranus of Ephesus, a Greek writer in the first century, says that the woman should, “Immediately get up and sit down with bent knees, and in this position try to provoke sneezes.” Nine centuries later, Rhazes, one of the most celebrated Islamic physicians, elaborated on the advice. “Let the two come apart and let the woman rise roughly, sneeze and blow her nose several times, and call out in a loud voice. She should jump violently backwards seven to nine paces.”

Marie Stopes recommends this “far from secure, yet sometimes successful method,” when the woman has a “domineering ruthless husband who renders her helpless.” Aware of the indignity of leaping around a cold bedroom, to say nothing of disturbing the neighbours, she adopts a much more genteel approach. “Sit up immediately after sex union, and cough very hard with as much muscular contraction of the lower abdomen as possible, followed by immediate urination.”

The idea of dislodging semen is found in many cultures, but it is to the Marquesas islanders in the Pacific that we must look for the most novel approach. A traveller reported that, “when a group of men went out with one woman, and had intercourse with her in rapid succession, publicly, which was a common amusement, the last man had to suck the semen from her vagina.”

Man soon realised that semen was a necessary part of conception, though its exact function remained a mystery for thousands of years. If semen could be kept out of the uterus, he reasoned, pregnancy could be avoided, and so he began to devise suitable barriers, the earliest, and most imaginative being the vaginal pessaries of Egypt.

Discovered in Kahoun in 1889, the Petri Papyrus of 1850 BC lists several pessaries, the most popular of which seems to have been, “crocodile’s dung cut up on auyt-paste.” For those with a sweet tooth there was “one henu of honey. Place in the vagina, this to be done with natron” (naturally occurring sodium carbonate). A henu was equivalent to one pint. The effectiveness of the pessaries can only be guessed at, though a later papyrus, the Ebers of 1550 BC, gives a prescription using the tips of acacia, a plant which produces lactic acid, a powerful spermicide still in use today.

Animal dung is used in pessaries from many cultures. Rhazes describes one made of “cabbage, colocynth pulp, the inner skin of pomegranate, animal’s ear wax, elephant dung and whitewash.” As crocodile and elephant dung can be difficult to obtain, the dung of any awesome creature would do. The Aztec Badianus manuscript of 1552 explains, “and you shall put into the vulva the crushed herb of the calabash or cucurbita root and eagle’s excrement.”

If dung was a powerful contraceptive, how much more effective would be the whole animal? Though no one suggested using a whole elephant, the Aztecs did recommend using the ashes of a dried lizard. According to Pliny the Elder, Olympus, the expert midwife of Thebes, says that, “there is nothing better than to anoint the natural parts of a woman with ox-gall incorporated in the fat of serpents, verdigris and honey.” Its lack of success perhaps accounts for Pliny the Younger.

Pessaries were made by women skilled in the art, the client getting a full refund if the pessary failed to work. Their effectiveness can be judged by the fact that Queen Cleopatra, highly skilled in the use of pessaries and men, had but two children.

Physical as opposed to medicinal barriers were also developed. Designed to be removed after intercourse, they took many forms, the earliest again coming from Egypt in the form of lint tampons soaked in acacia and honey. At the same time, in India and the Far East, they used a ball of soft feathers and metals. By 100 AD, Soranus of Ephesus was recommending wool tampons soaked in wine. Unfortunately he could not decide whether the tampon should be inserted before or after intercourse.

Other physicians also saw contraception as an opportunity to make a name for themselves. Rhazes wrote, “It is necessary to apply to the uterus before receiving the seed, some drug which would block the uterine aperture.” Good advice it was too, until he ruined things by adding, “She should sit upon the tips of her toes and push at her navel with her thumb. It would help if she smelt foul odours.”

Arabian Pharmacologists of 1200 AD looked again to animals for the ultimate contraceptive. “Take the testicle of a wolf,” they proclaimed, “and it must be the right testicle. Rub it with oil, wrap on wool and insert it into the vagina. This would cause her to lose desire and lessen the chance of conception.” As far as the wolves were concerned it certainly worked.

Developing logically from the pessary was the cervical cap. First made of rubber by Dr Freidrick Adolphe Wilde in 1838, the “Dutch Cap” has a long history. Thirteen centuries before Wilde, Aetius of Amida, lacking rubber, used the scooped out half of a pomegranate, while in the 18th century, Casanova himself used half a squeezed out lemon. So impressed with Casanova’s method was Marie Stopes that she included it in her book, “Birth Control Today.”

These methods were difficult to use and destroyed the spontaneity of sex. A less obtrusive alternative had to be found – the condom.

Known to the English as the “French Letter” and to the French as “La Capote Anglaise”, the true origin of the condom remains a mystery. Condoms have been around for over 3500 years. The Egyptians used them as protection against Bilharzia (a disease caused by an aquatic worm which can enter the body through any orifice), the Romans against VD. Though originally made of animal bladders, many materials have been used. Gabrielle Fallopio, the great Italian anatomist, first to describe them in 1564, used linen condoms as protection against syphilis. Though folklore attributes their invention to a Dr Condom at the court of Charles II, the name first appeared in print in a poem of 1716 describing the condom as a “guard against the Harm of Love.” White Kennett’s poem of 1724, “The Machine, or Love’s Preservative”, shows recognition of its true value.

Hear and attend: In CUNDUM’s praise
I sing and thou, O Venus! aid my lays.
By this Machine, secure, the willing Maid
Can taste Love’s Joys, nor is she more afraid
Her Swelling Belly should or squalling brat,
Betray the luscious Pastime she had been at.

Eighteenth century condoms were made from animal bowel, and, judging from a quantity found in 1953, came in a variety of sizes, each tied with a ribbon at the open end. Mrs Philips of London, was the biggest supplier proclaiming in her adverts: “We defy anyone to equal our goods in England.”

Casanova shows that a good deal of pleasure could be had just finding the right size condom. Visiting a brothel he was offered a packed of a dozen. “I put myself in the right position, and ordered her to choose me one that fitted well. Sulkily, she began examining and measuring. ‘This one doesn’t fit well’, I told her. ‘Try another’. Another and another; and suddenly I splashed her well and truly.”

Condom size has been the subject of many debates, and almost caused a diplomatic incident. When first supplied to Thailand, American condoms kept slipping off, much to the dissatisfaction of the Thais. As a result erections were measured in Bangkok massage parlours and in America. The average Asian penis was found to be 5.14 inches long and 4.34 inches in circumference, while Caucasians fared better with 6.0 inches and 5.0 inches. Anxious not to make the same mistake, the Japanese paid volunteers to make agar casts of their erect organs.

A lady with the unfortunate name of Barbara Seaman suggested in March 1978 that American condoms be marketed in three sizes, “Jumbo, Colossal and Super Colossal, so that men don’t have to ask for small.” More recently, as part of America’s “Condoms for foreigners” programme, condoms were sent to Mexico marked, “Small, Medium and Super Macho”, only the last being taken up.

Surprisingly Marie Stopes disapproved of condoms, though she pointed out that “large elongated balloons” could be had from Woolworth’s. She believed that semen supplied a stimulant to the woman which could, “benefit and nourish their whole system.” Only to newly weds did she recommend the condom as the inexperienced man may be “a little clumsy and thus fail in the proper placement of the ejaculate.” An event which might “cause such revulsion on the part of the Bride that the effect may be lifelong and ineradicable.”

If, as frequently happens, the condom should burst, the woman need not despair. She can turn to the ancient art of douching. In ancient Egypt, douche maids were employed to wash out the vagina with wine, garlic and fennel. Extremely messy and difficult to use, the douche never really caught on, Marie Stopes even describing it as “unreliable, unwholesome ad psychologically harmful.” Its main survival seems to be in the Far East where girls now douche themselves with Diet Coke, making a mockery of the slogan “Coke adds life”.

Permanent sterility is the main alternative to intermittent contraception, and some of the earliest methods of sterilisation can be found amongst the Australian aborigines. In 1894, J.G. Garson, MD, described how 18 year olds were selected from the tribe to undergo the ceremony of Mica. A small incision was made in the front of the scrotum, severing the urethra. Both urine and semen then passed out of the resulting hole. Alternatively, a thin sliver of kangaroo bone was inserted into the urethra at the base of the penis until it emerged at the glans. The urethra was then laid open along the length of the bone. Thanks to modern surgical techniques men are now spared the agonies of Mica, and can undergo vasectomy. Sterilisation being permanent, ways have been sought to help those men who, after surgery, feel a need for more children. One idea which never really caught on was patented on May 8th, 1973 by James M Loe. The “Corporeal Fluid Control Using Bistable Magnetic Duct Valve” was to be implanted on the sperm duct and, by means of a magnet, the user could open or close the valve, thus controlling their sterility.

Less formidable were the sperm banks. In 1972, Science reported the opening of the world’s first in Maryland, USA. The customer, they reported, “strolls into Idant’s small laboratory fills out a form, and pays 80 dollars for the processing and storage of three samples. He then retreats to a tiny room furnished with a comfortable armchair, two pornographic magazines, and an ashtray.” He can then proceed with vasectomy, a relieved man.

That some people are naturally sterile has been known for centuries. The trick had been to decide who, before it is too late. Egypt’s Berlin Papyrus gives some useful tips. “Fumigate the woman with hippopotamus dung”, it advises. “If she urinates, or evacuates, or passes wind at the same time, she will bear, but if she does not she will not.” For those lacking a ready supply of hippopotamus dung there is a simpler method. “Take the woman, and stand her in a doorway where her face can be seen, then examine her eyes closely. If one is like that of an Asiatic and the other that of a negress, she will not bear.” The advice gives a new meaning to gazing into your sweetheart’s eyes.

Women today, unblessed with an unmatched pair of eyes, can confidently place their trust in the Pill. In 1958, two years before the contraceptive pill became a reality, Aldous Huxley coined the term in his, Brave New World Revisited. Long before Huxley, other visionaries had developed their own versions. Dioscorides, in the first century, confidently announced that the bark of the white poplar tree, ground into a solution with a mule’s kidney, and drunk would make and effective contraceptive. He based his idea on the fact that the mule is sterile, an idea also seized on by the ancient Moroccans. They made a bread from a mule hoof enriched with flour, which the claimed would transfer the mule’s sterility.

By the Middle Ages the art of oral contraception had reached new heights. A powerful contraceptive could be made, it was said, by boiling the penis of a strong wolf with some pubic hair. Producing the same effect was a veal and vegetable soup, to which had been added the powdered penis of a red bull. Equally effective have been some of the oral contraceptives recommended in modern times. In 1957, China, driven to desperation by its massive population problem, conducted an experiment to determine the effectiveness of a Chinese folk contraceptive. Sixty women took part in the Chinese test. The instructions read: “Fresh tadpoles should be washed in clean cooled boiled water, and swallowed whole three to four days after menstruation. Fourteen live tadpoles on day one and ten more on the second day will prevent conception for five years. To be forever sterile, repeat the formula twice.”

In the test each woman swallowed 24 live tadpoles on day one, and 20 on day two. Presumably the scientists wanted to be doubly certain of the result. Surprisingly for them 43 percent of the women were soon pregnant. Despite this setback, Cheng Pui-yen of the Nanking Pharmaceutical Research Institute wrote in 1964 that tadpoles had been found to be “rather effective”. He added that it only remained to isolate the active constituent of the tadpole. Thanks to such optimism, China’s population remains the world’s largest, increasing by 38700 each day.

Of all the world’s oral contraceptives the most exclusive must have been the one used by Tibetan women. Its main ingredient was the dried excrement of the Dalai Lama, ruler of Tibet.

Reliance on folk magic has played a large part in the history of contraception. Oral contraception-in-reverse was used by medieval women, who would spit three times into the mouth of a frog. For long term protection they had simply to urinate on the urine of a wolf. Simpler still, but equally effective, was for the woman to sit on her fingers on the way to her wedding, each finger representing one child-free year.

Belief in symbolic acts became widespread throughout Europe. Sixteenth century Balkan women fixed an unlocked padlock to their dress before setting off for their weddings. The number of steps she made outside her house before locking the padlock represented her chosen number of childless years. When the groom arrived to take her to the church she could decide how many children she would have by climbing up a ladder, each rung representing one child. Provided the groom did not call the whole thing off as she climbed higher and higher, she could reinforce the spell by dropping grains of barley into her wedding shoes.

Less pleasant but equally effective were the beliefs involving the dead. Moroccan girls, fearing themselves pregnant, would step three times over a fresh grave, or they could go to the grave of a dead younger sister and shout, “I do not want any more children.” Dead younger sisters not always being available, this could be rather difficult. Middle European women shook the coffin of a dead child for similar effect, or washed themselves in water in which a dead child had been washed.

Repugnant in the extreme was the medieval French women’s custom of wearing about the neck the finger and anus of a still-born child. As a contraceptive its passion killing powers probably made it quite effective. Alternatively, the tooth of a child placed in an amulet was to be worn attached to the woman’s anus. The wearing of amulets has a long and ineffective history.

Aetius of Amida recommended wearing an amulet of ivory around the neck, the contents of which should be, “part of the womb of a lioness.” When lionesses are out of season he suggests, “the milk of a she-ass, with myrtle and black ivy berries wrapped in the skin of a hare, mule or stag.” Arab women fared equally badly, being encouraged to wear on their breast a box of rabbit droppings.

Where on the body the women wore the amulet seems to have been as important as its contents. Aetius states that a cat’s liver should be worn in a tube on the left foot, or, if the lady prefers the cat’s testicles, she should wear them around her navel. Sixteenth century women wore salamander hearts tied to their knee and weasel’s testicles on their thigh. Also said to be effective were weasel feet worn around the neck, provided that the weasel was left alive after amputation.

Despite all these contraceptives, women continue to fall pregnant, and in despair, turned to the only options left. Abortion and infanticide have been around far longer than contraception, and several cultures have adopted them as an alternative. Girls have been the main victims of infanticide, being regarded in many cultures as burdens. So rife was infanticide in classical Greece that the father would publicly announce whether he intended to keep his newborn child or not.

Midwives were, in most cultures, as skilful at disposing of unwanted pregnancies as they were at delivering babies. Very often the writers who gave advice on contraception saw no distinction between contraception and abortion as a means of preventing unwanted babies. Almost all of the books dealing with contraception also dealt with abortion, sometimes graphically. A seventh century Chinese text gives a recipe for “The Thousand of Gold Prescription for Abortion,” which states that “the foetus will become like rice gruel and the mother will be without suffering.”

Despite, or perhaps because of these centuries of contraceptive practice, the world’s population continues to expand at an ever increasing rate. In 1987 the number of people living on the Earth exceeded five billion, and is growing at the rate of 150 a minute. The quest for the perfect contraceptive continues.

For the opposite point of view Click Here!

© R.I.Chalmers 1987

I believe that the number of people on the planet now is 7 billion, or close to it. That’s a hell of an increase in 20 years! I guess contraception needs to improve dramatically. But it is in line with my projected rate of increase of 150 a minute in 1987.

Posted under Clips

Cupboard Love

This story first appeared in Loving Magazine

© R.I.Chalmers

Cupboard Love

“I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense,” raged Sister, as though we’d accused the Pope himself . “Mike’s a pleasant lad and a hard worker. It’s a shame there aren’t more staff like him.” That last comment was obviously a dig at Paula and myself, tidying up. But even if we got it spotless, Miss Baggley would find something to complain about and we’d get the blame.

As soon as we were in the storeroom, Paula smiled thoughtfully. “No one’s ever going to believe us about Mike,” she whispered bitterly. “It’s about time we sorted him out ourselves.”

I listened eagerly as she outlined her plan …

“It’s as simple as that,” Paula finished up. “I come on strong to Mike and make out that I’m desperate to meet him in the storeroom.”

“He’ll be waiting behind the door when Miss Baggley arrives for her inspection,” I chipped in. I could almost hear Miss Baggley’s indignant squawks as Mike’s hands went where no man’s hands had gone before. “I’d love to see his face when he realises his mistake!”

We went over the final details of the plan while we tidied the storeroom and I suggested we removed the light bulb … “So that Mike won’t know, until it’s too late, that his victim isn’t who he thinks she is.”

“But will he fall for it?” I frowned, carefully unscrewing the ceiling light.

“Of course he will,” laughed Paula. “If Mike thinks I’m willing to meet him here – alone he’ll jump at the chance.”

“But what if Baggley doesn’t arrive at two o’clock?” I asked, handing Paula the bulb.

Paula and I had got jobs as care assistants on a YTS scheme at the Temple Manor Home for the Elderly. Though the work often proved that slavery had not been abolished, we got far more satisfaction out of helping to look after the seventy elderly residents than we would’ve got packing biscuits at a local factory. We would’ve enjoyed it even more if it hadn’t been for Mike.

Mike was one of the male care assistants, with the biggest head on record! Physically, he wasn’t unattractive – having obviously spent a lot of time building his muscles in the gym – but as for the rest . . . yuk! Though he was only twenty-one, his behaviour, as he followed us around the home, was that of a dirty old man.

Apart from his lewd comments and octopus hands, Mike’s favourite trick was to lurk behind doors until one of us entered the room, when he would leap out, grab us from behind and fight for a kiss. In his own warped way, he probably thought we’d be turned on by his caveman tactics. Unfortunately, he always made sure there were no witnesses.

“I want you girls to tidy the linen store,” Sister had continued angrily. “Miss Baggley is coming to inspect it at two o’clock this afternoon.”

Once outside Sister’s office, I looked at Paula in dismay. The linen store was a huge mess of a room and would need a lot of work

“Stop worrying, Lorraine,” said Paula. “You know how keen she is about punctuality. She’ll be here, don’t worry.”

What Paula said was true. Miss Baggley, the Matron, might’ve been a fussy, sour-faced old maid, whose main pleasure in life seemed to be finding fault with everything we did, but she was never late for her inspections.

Mike was on duty at half-past twelve and, after lunch, we waited anxiously for the drone of his moped.

“Hello, Mike,” Paula purred, in her most seductive voice.

As Mike swaggered in and peeled off his jacket, Paula thrust herself against him, running her hand across his chest. Mike didn’t find this at all unusual. He’d obviously fallen in love with himself at an early age and thought it was only natural that everyone else had, too.

I tried desperately not to laugh as I watched from behind the dining- room door. Paula reached up and whispered something into Mike’s ear.

Mike’s vain expression melted into a lecherous grin. “Don’t worry about it, darling,” he boasted. “I knew you couldn’t resist me – no woman can. It was just a matter of time before you gave in.” He made a grab for Paula’s bottom.

Paula avoided Mike’s hand and retreated a few paces. “I’m as anxious as you, lover-boy,” she said, her voice silky and provocative. “But not now, not here.”

“Two o’clock,” said Mike eagerly. “I’ll be waiting.”

“I’ll be counting on it,” Paula smirked, blowing him a kiss.

After that, Mike strutted around the Home like an anxious stallion, until ten minutes to two, when he crept into the linen store. The trap was set.

At precisely two o’clock, Miss Baggley arrived outside the storeroom, gave me and Paula a get-back-to-work-this-instant look and disappeared into the darkness. The door clicked shut behind her as though on a powerful spring, and Paula and I smiled gleefully at each other.

“Nothing’s happening,” I said after a moment, demonstrating my flair for stating the obvious.

Nothing had happened … no scream, no disgusted Miss Baggley bursting from the storeroom, no horrified Mike standing red-faced in the doorway. Nothing.

“Perhaps Mike left when we weren’t looking,” I suggested, feeling all let down.

“But there’s no light in there,” Paula pointed out. “Baggley wouldn’t stay in the dark.” “Someone must’ve replaced the bulb since this morning,” I said.

“Mike!” groaned Paula. “You know how vain he is. He’d have wanted me to have a close look at his capped teeth and sun-bed tan!”

I nodded. “And he’d have noticed it was Miss Baggley and not you,” I said, turning away. “He’s probably helping her with her inventory right now.”

“But that means he’ll think I’m really keen on him,” moaned Paula as we walked away. “He’ll think I didn’t turn up because of Baggley.”

I nodded sympathetically.

About half an hour later, when I was wheeling one of the residents to the television room, I met Baggley walking slowly towards me along the corridor. She walked right past without her usual criticism – as though I wasn’t there – a faint smile playing across her face. Her hair, usually immaculately set, was hanging in loose grey strands above her shoulders.

Leaving the residents happily watching television, I rushed back to the ward kitchen where Paula was preparing the afternoon teas. “What’s happened?” I asked, once I’d told her about Miss Baggley.

Paula shrugged. “I’ve just seen Mike,” she whispered. “I can’t understand it. He didn’t say a word when he saw me, just stared through me like I wasn’t there.”

That was two weeks ago and whatever happened behind the linen store door has certainly had the desired effect ~ though not in quite the way we planned.

It certainly had a very big effect on Miss Baggley! These days she couldn’t be a nicer person. Instead of criticising us, she now asks our opinion about the latest fashions she’s taken to wearing – and last week she even traded in her well-maintained Morris Minor for a nifty little scarlet sports car. Temple Manor is now a great place to work.

As for poor, unsuspecting Mike, the incident marked the end of his career as a care assistant and he no longer works at the Home. From what I hear, though, he seems to be enjoying his new role as Miss Baggley’s toyboy.

Posted under Clips

How to Avoid Burglary in The UK and France

This article appeared in Living France magazine in 2001. It advises people how best to avoid burglary at their home in the UK and in France.

© R.I.Chalmers 2001

Home Guard

The British Crime Survey 2000 (BCS) estimates that burglars broke into 760,000 British homes during 1999. The 2000 International Crime Victims Survey (ICVS) estimates that the number of burglaries was somewhat less in France. According to the ICVS, 2.8% of people in Britain can expect to become victims of burglary, while in France the risk is just 1%.

Whether your home is in Britain or in France, having it burgled can prove to be one of the most traumatic of crimes. Though your empty property may be out of sight, its security will never be far out of mind. Fortunately, there are some sensible precautions you can take to increase both your home security and your peace of mind.

The biggest risk factors for domestic burglary are poor security and low levels of occupancy. The 2000 BCS states that victims of burglary are “less likely to have security measures in place at the time of the incident than non- victims.” It adds that, “security is effective in thwarting at least some offenders.”

Burglars want an easy, risk free life, and do not want to get caught. They avoid getting caught by taking great care to select the right home to break into. A pile of mail gathering behind the glass of the front door, a cluster of milk bottles on the doorstep, or a newspaper sticking out of the letterbox, are some of the signs they look for. Couple these with an overgrown garden, curtains that never close, and rooms in perpetual darkness and you might as well invite them to break in.

Provided that the rewards are likely to justify the effort involved, the burglar first identifies the quickest, easiest and safest route into your home. In most burglaries, he targets a door, by forcing a door lock or breaking a door panel. At other times he forces a window, or smashes window glass. Incredibly, in over a fifth of cases he simply walks in through an unlocked door.

If you value your possessions, you will have followed Home Office recommendations. You will have five-lever mortise deadlocks, kitemarked to at least BS3621, fitted on both front and back doors. You will have an automatic deadlock, that can be locked from the outside, fitted on the front door. You may also have fitted laminated glass to doors, and key- operated window locks on every window.

With millions spent on persuading householders to fit good quality locks on doors and windows, getting back out should present the burglar with as big a problem as getting in. Unfortunately, reassured at having followed the government’s advice, many people happily leave spare keys lying around inside the house.

All too often, the police attend the scene of a burglary to find that the burglar who has struggled to squeeze in through a small window has calmly walked out through a door. The door will often have a key in the lock, “in case there’s a fire”, or a simple latch lock that was lazily pulled to behind the busy householder. Occasionally, the unwitting occupant even provides the burglar with a getaway car in the drive and the car keys on the kitchen table.

Your empty property should always look occupied. Deliveries should be cancelled, and a trusted neighbour available to take in those that you cannot cancel. If there are no neighbours, family or friends available you can make alternative arrangements for your mail through the local post office. For a small fee, the Royal Mail will hold your mail at the local delivery office and will deliver it to your home on a date you specify. La Poste, the French postal service, will also hold onto your mail for one month free of charge, or for longer for a small cost.

A family member, a friend or a neighbour may even be prepared to call in to the house each evening and morning to close and open the curtains. The lights can look after themselves, if you invest in a time switch or two. If you are leaving a house unoccupied for an extended period, an alternative to this informal caretaker arrangement is a house- sitter.

House-sitters not only make sure that your house is safe, but they also have the added advantage of looking after the garden, the houseplants and even pets. The increasing popularity of house-sitters is attested to by HouseCarers.com, an Australian-based agency that receives over 600 visits a day to its web site. Such agencies will put you in touch with responsible people, both singles and couples, who will look after your property to your specifications in both Britain and France.

As both the householder and the house-sitter benefit from the arrangement, a typical house-sitting arrangement comes without payment. To avoid complications, HomeCarers.com encourages homeowners to use a formal selection process. They provide comprehensive advice about selecting the right sitter, which includes obtaining personal references, conducting interviews and drafting a written agreement that clearly lays out expected duties.

Having made sure that your house looks occupied, do not compromise your security by advertising the fact that you are going away. Not everyone standing amongst the crowds at the airport or station is a passenger. Display your home address on your luggage labels and you provide valuable intelligence for the more professional criminal. If you must put an address on your luggage, make sure it’s your work address, not your home address.

A small safe is an ideal place to secure your house and car keys, your smaller valuables and jewellery, and those irreplaceable items like marriage certificates, cherished mementoes and personal papers. Make sure the safe is proof against fire and flood, too, for added peace of mind.

Technology now provides the means to enhance household security to a level that will deter even the most determined burglar. Alarm systems vary in sophistication and in price. Some are simple stand- alone systems designed to draw attention. Others have multiple sensors and can be remotely monitored.

Whatever the system, it should meet BS4737 if professionally installed, or BS6707 if you install it yourself. In France the standard is the International Electro Technical Commission’s standard of IEC60839. Some household insurance companies offer a lower premium if you fit an approved alarm system. You should check with your insurer to see which alarm systems they recommend.

Regrettably, surrounded by car and house alarms, an indifferent public will often ignore the sound of an alarm. A more effective system is a monitored alarm. Once triggered, these systems alert a monitoring company who can call the police. These systems are more expensive than a stand- alone system, but give greater protection.

You do not have to go to the expense of paying for a remote monitoring system, as there are ways you can remotely monitor your house yourself for continual peace of mind. Some alarm systems can be programmed to telephone an alert to a friend or neighbour, who can then check on the premises and call the police and you if necessary.

If you have no one to keep an eye on the house you can install a remotely monitored closed circuit television system. Unfortunately, these tend to be expensive, complex, and not best suited for small homes or for those on a budget. Fortunately, with the development of computer technology, the Internet, and Cyber Cafes, remote monitoring has become easier than ever. Systems are now available that offer simple installation and maintenance, and are ideal for home security.

One unit on offer is the Supersluth Wise. Costing less than ÂŁ500, this self-contained video surveillance system is housed in a unit that fits in the palm of your hand. It incorporates a digital camera and sophisticated video motion detection. Images are stored electronically within the unit, and can be accessed from anywhere in the world using a computer. The system can be linked to an existing alarm system, and can be used to trigger other security devices.

If, despite your best efforts to secure your property, you are unfortunate enough to become a burglary victim, adequate insurance is a must. Remember that many policies have clauses that penalise you if you are away from home for more than a certain number of days a year. Normally you will not be able to make a claim if your home is unoccupied for 30 consecutive days, though some insurers extend this to 60 days.

If you are insuring a French property against the risk of burglary, bear in mind that French policies do not relate to the value of the property, as in Britain. They are based on the size of the property, measured either in number of rooms or the habitable area of the house. As in Britain, you should expect to pay higher premiums if your house is unoccupied for any length of time. An absence of more than 60 days may invoke a 1500F claims excess, and may exclude you from claiming for instances of theft.

French insurers will also expect you to have at least two locks on each exterior door, one of which must be a five-lever mortise deadlock. The locks should meet the European Committees for Standardization standard EN1303. Most French insurers will expect the house to be fitted with bolted shutters that are closed whenever you are away from the house for more than 24 hours. In high crime areas, such as Paris and the Riviera, insurance companies will demand more stringent security measures. These may include stipulations such as ensuring that all security fittings are used whenever the house is unoccupied, and that the shutters are closed after ten o’clock at night and whenever the property is empty. Insurance policies do differ, so check with your insurance agent.

Claims in France must be made promptly, and must be lodged with the insurer within three to five days of any incident. In instances of theft, you must inform the gendarmerie and make a statement, plainte, within 24 hours of discovering the crime. However, if you discover a burglary two months later, on your return to the house, the insurance company will probably not pay out.

The local police will be happy to point out weaknesses in your defences that you may well have overlooked. You should also inform your local police station if you are away from home for any length of time. The police will keep a discrete eye on your property, and will at least know who to contact if anything does happen. The local police station is also a good source of up-to- date crime prevention literature if you don’t have access to the Internet.

Encouragingly, both the BCS and the ICVS show that the number of burglaries is falling, while the numbers of households investing in home security is increasing. Thirty four percent of British households and thirteen percent of French households now have a burglar alarm system. More than three quarters of British homes also have window locks fitted. With the average cost of a burglary amounting to around ÂŁ1400, a modest investment in security could prove very cost effective, and will at least give you the peace of mind to fully enjoy the pleasures of France.

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Virtual Online Exhibitions 2000

news release news release news release…

September 22, 2000

Virtual reality Internet exhibitions come of age

A rapidly growing independent company, Virtual Exhibitions Ltd. (Virtex), has taken the world of virtual reality Internet exhibitions by storm with two major shows launched within days of each other. Built for Optimus Exhibitions Ltd., the virtualhospitalityshow.com opened on 1st September with 6 halls and over 38 hospitality industry exhibitors. September 6th saw the launch of Reed Business Information’s Electronics Weekly Virtual Products Fair 2000.

Show organisers have sent out promotional CD’s for both shows to a selected audience and these install the necessary software components to springboard the user directly into the online show. In addition, the flexibility of a virtual exhibition allows for the seamless integration of additional stands while the show is running. Businesses have been signing up for stands from day one, and this trend is set to continue throughout the three months that the shows are running.

All Virtex shows provide a themed virtual show guide to give help and advice, and provide information about exhibitors and products. The guides are based on Microsoft Agent technology, and Microsoft has been working closely with Virtex.

Microsoft’s Industry Marketing Manager, Stephen McBride, said, “I’m very excited about the Virtex vision of exhibitions and happy to support their initiative.”

Unforeseen happenings, like the recent fuel-crisis, can jeopardise the success of real-world exhibitions reliant on their visitor’s ability to travel. Virtex shows do not have the same constraints of time and place. In his keynote speech in the virtualhospitalityshow.com, McBride identifies important advantages that virtual exhibitions have over real-world shows: “A virtual exhibition is an excellent way of harnessing the power of the Internet and modern PC technologies, to deliver an intuitive, exciting and cost-effective way of attending shows, at anytime, anywhere, on any device.”

Not only do customers enjoy a hassle-free experience at virtual exhibitions, but the exhibitors also benefit. They enjoy eCommerce enabled stands, detailed analysis and tracking of visitors, and the ability to easily update the information available at their stands. Many stands have 3D models of products, and clicking on these gives the visitor access to full product data sheets.

Each stand also has a communication pod through which to email the company, visit the company web site or obtain further information.

In addition to fully interactive stands, 3D product models, show guides and even virtual drinks machines, every Virtex show comes with its own conference centre. Keynote speeches and conference centre presentations are available, like the rest of the show, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to a global audience.

The government has demonstrated its commitment to supporting eCommerce initiatives such as those developed by Virtex. In the virtualhospitalityshow.com, Patricia Hewitt MP, Minister for Small Business and eCommerce, welcomes visitors to the show, saying: “The virtual exhibition is an important example of how the evolution of eBusiness has generated entirely new marketing concepts. It shows that eBusiness and eMarketing are within the reach of any company.”

Steve Martin, Managing Director of Virtex, echoed these sentiments by saying, “Our two latest shows were developed on the back of FlowExpo, a show launched just four weeks ago for the Invensys Flow Control group of companies. Not only is FlowExpo the most impressive showcase of our graphic capabilities, it also demonstrates that we have opened up the marketplace for global, private exhibitions for all levels of UK industry.”

Attention to detail has become a hallmark of Virtex shows, and the Invensys show is even more graphically seductive than the other two exhibitions. The entire show was completely custom-built by Virtex and visitors are beguiled with a sumptuous entrance hall, complete with waiting helicopter, tables, chairs and palm trees. This show demonstrates the realism Virtex can bring to a show.

Virtex, creators of the world’s first virtual Internet exhibition, Virtex’96, and has a proven record of commercial success in the industry. Demand for Virtex expertise is at an all-time high, and in addition to the shows already launched, the company is developing five further shows due for launch during 2000, with many other companies expressing interest.

Screenshots of shows are available on request.

Note to editors

The virtualhospitalityshow.com is available at www.virtualhospitalityshow.com

The Electronics Weekly Product Fair 2000 is available at www.virtexpo.com/ew/

FlowExpo is to be found at www.flowexpo.com

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Keep Your Shower Cutains Clean and Safe

I wrote this advert for an advertising agency. They asked me to write another campaign the following year.

All text by R.I.Chalmers

When it comes to shower curtains.

…which pattern do you prefer?

Are your shower curtains smart enough to help you combat infection?

Contour Showers Ltd. have created a new range of curtains that are smart not just because of the high quality of the materials and their exceptional build quality, but also because they now react aggressively towards microorganisms. Our new shower curtains work to break the chain of infection. At the same time, they can work to extend their operational lives by combating degradation resulting from bacterial staining.

Most antibacterial finishes, disinfectants and cleaning agents soon wear off in use. The antibacterial properties of our Dove range of shower curtains are durable, because we integrate Microban® antibacterial protection within our curtain fabric. Microban® works continuously to inhibit the growth of bacteria and other microorganisms to help optimise your aseptic programme.

Incorporated into our high-quality polyester during the manufacturing process, Microban® additives securely attach themselves to the polymer. The manufacturing process is not disrupted, and the curtains retain our trademark excellence in tensile strength, colour and finish. We precisely engineer our Dove range of shower curtains to contain exactly the right amount of Microban® to provide long-lasting antibacterial protection.

N.B. Microban® protected products are not a replacement for good hygiene practices.

Microban® is a trademark of the Microban® Products Company, Huntersville, North Carolina, USA

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